Servant

So I let it all go. I put it all down. The anger that has been torturing my body and giving me a false sense of control for years now. All down. At the foot of the cross. Made into a table to grace. Forgiveness.
Mathew 18:21-35
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven time?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me.' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I cancelled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
The parable of the unmerciful servant. This is me. God has forgiven me of so much and yet I go out and throw other people in prison everyday for the wrongs they have done to me. I forgave him. I let it go. I put it down and built a table out of it. A table of grace.
This morning I was explaining to a friend that I felt that my forgiveness was being taken advantage of. And what my friend told me was that I was not being taken advantage of because I gave up the advantage. I gave up the advantage. I gave up the rights of anger and hostility. This makes me feel very vulnerable and like I am allowing myself to be treated as if I were a door mat. I have forgiven you, sure, but that does not give you the right to treat me however you want to. True, but do you hear the anger in there? I feel it. Jesus told me this morning that being vulnerable is where forgiveness puts you. Vulnerability is many times associated with being alone. This is a lie and Jesus told me that I will be vulnerable but I will never be alone. Jesus will go with me to dinner tomorrow night and no matter how the other person treats me, I will treat him with grace and love and mercy...because He first loved me.

Comparisons

Yesterday, in Jesus Time @ 9 (Sunday School for us 20-somethings) we talked about comparisons and how when we compare ourselves to others and others actions, we believe the enemy's lies that we need to be different and fall away from what God's plan is. This completly kicked my butt. Sometimes, I feel like my whole life is one big comparison I make to all the people around me. It sucks! I know this stems from hurts and lies I have been believing since I was a very little girl that I probably didn't have any control of at the time and wasn't my fault, but it's time to take control and change something. Unfortunetly I have said this a million times and still I wrestle. I think I have always told God that I would give Him a break on this one, that He didn't need to deal with my sillyness of thinking everyone else is better than I am, but that was another lie I believed. I can't do it.
I got to church and was so emotional and hating it. I was crying because I knew it was all true. Then Pastor D had to get up there and say that he felt like some people were doing battle and to feel free to come to the alter or whatever we needed to do. I couldn't move so I just sat there and cried harder (which I hate, and hate that I hate...) and felt God telling me that I was good just how I was. He made me strong, and emotional, with a sensative heart and spirit, and that was ok.
Enough of this. I need you Lord. I keep thinking I can do it on my own, but as always, I cannot. I'm done trying to be who I think everyone else wants me to, because they probably love me just for me. So trivial, yet so hard...

lots of the things

AH! Things have been so crazy! I haven't even written about Mexico Round 2, Youthworks style...all you need to know is that it was amazing and I met some amazing people. Right after that I watched some great fireworks with great people and celebrated the Independence of the United States of America, even though I'm not really sure how I feel about it, and then began my trek home, up the State of CA stopping in the LA area to visit Shannon and her family and then to see my Aunt and Uncle in the Fresno area. I got back to a very sad Oroville. Smoke and fire filled all of the places as the surrounding areas of Con Cow, and Paradise threatened to burn to the ground. It breaks my heart what has happened and is still happening to our North State. I do not doubt that the enemy has been at work in this, but I also believe that this could be a chance for our community to step up and show the love of Jesus like we have never done before. I hope we have done that at least a little bit already.
So we escaped the bad air for a week at camp, which was by far the best camp I have ever had as a staff person. I played camp nurse and was a counselor to some amazing girls! I would love to tell you all about it, so ask me sometime, but in short...we trusted God and He showed up in a huge way. On top of the cool things that happened at camp, I felt like I had never been so full of love to give away ever in my life. Usually by Thursday of camp, I am ready to come home, but this summer I didn't even need to take a break. Jesus poured His love into me and hopefully through me.
While we were at camp tragedy struck Oroville yet again. This way it was in the form of murder that hit way too close to home. Our children's pastor's assistant who was also her niece, Leah and her two young children were murdered by her boyfriend. We happened to have Leah's two cousins at camp with us so we rushed them home and attempted to mourn while not letting the enemy toy with our hearts in the form of distraction. It goes without saying that it hit our community and church hard.
Shortly after camp my new room mate Lexi and I moved into our new house! Lexi is buying the house she grew up in from her mom and I am renting from her. It is an awesome old house with tons of character. Please stop by anytime when we are home for a tour! I feel so blessed to have a home! We want our home to be a safe place for people if they need it. Lexi and I both believe that God has given us things so we can give them away. I know that a lot of people in Oroville feel the same way. Community living has become a buzz phrase (is there such a thing as a buzz phrase?) that I want to embrace.
I have also started my new job! I'm officially working in the Rose Lane house in Paradise! It is a group home for emotionally disturbed adolescent girls. These girls have had unspeakable things happen to them. I hope and pray that God will fill my heart with the love I need to love them like He does.
So many exciting things are happening in our community and I cannot wait to talk about them all! But now is not the time :) Now that the Internet is working and life is getting to some type of normal I hope to writing much more. Hopefully they all wont be so long. haha ok...bye for now...please call or email me and tell me about your life because chances are I haven't seen you in a while and I miss you!
Love Love Love

Mexico...round 2

Hola otra vez! Tomorrow begins adventure number two in the amazing country of Mexico for me.  I'm heading down with about 35 Point Loma Leaders, btwn 50-100 Mexican high schoolers, 150 United States high schoolers, and about 20 of their youth workers.  Yes, it's going to be crazy, but as most of you know crazy is my middle name.  Really, it is :) haha 

We leaders will be on campus for the next 48 hrs and then all of our US kids and their youth workers will meet us in SD and we will head over the border Saturday.  Again, please pray for open minds and protection and not for comfort zones and for LOTS of love.

Moving to Oroville the day I get back! Can't wait!

I really hope you are all doing well.  Please shoot me an email or something letting me know how life is! lovingdeeper@gmail.com

PEACE...LOVE 

Mexico...el tiempo primero...Chasing, Loving, Hoping

Hola! So I'm back from Mexico, round one...It was amazing of course.  To see a detailed version of the trip and some pics, check out Kurt Libby's blog misterlib.com.  There is really only one story I have for you...other wise all you need to know is that it was a great trip...I fell more in love with our kids and fellow youth leaders and with people in general and with the ocean and with Mexican food and most importantly with Jesus. OK...the story:

We went to a camp on Saturday morning that the Oaxacan (sounds like Wa-hock-in) people live in and work in.  They are a tribe in Mexico that are considered outcasts.  They have the worst job, harvesting for farmers who pay them minimally and let them live on their farms in "camps."  They are uneducated because they do not speak Spanish.  They have their own dialect that isn't written.  This church that we were helping and hanging out with, Baja Christian Fellowship, has made it their mission to take these people under their wing and show them love and help them by giving them food and good news and clothes.  So we went to play with the kids who were chillin at the camp while the dads and some moms were all working in the fields.  There were some moms at the camp Saturday too.  We had all been using broken Spanish all week and getting by quite well but this wasn't helpful with these kids because they had no idea what were saying as they don't speak Spanish.  We had to communicate by touch and smiles and laughter and clapping and a lot of pointing.  The boys broke out a soccer ball and so most of the boys plus two of our studdly girls played 3 games of "futbol" with the boys while we other girls tried our best to teach some clapping games and ring around the rosy and plato plato ganzo (duck duck goose...duh!).  The plato plato ganzo was a hit even though I don't think they quite got it.  It was fun to run around and chase each other and pat people on the head.  So most of the girls were playing with us and some of the younger boys.  At one point I looked up from the game to see more kids coming out of the wall they lived behind. (Did I mention we were in the middle of a dirt road next to the wall to their camp?) I tried to get them to play with us, but they were too shy.  One little boy though (we will call him boy #1 because sadly I didn't ever learn his name :( ) was smiling and I felt like he really wanted to join but was too shy so naturally I picked him up and put him down in the circle and he jumped up laughing and ran away from me as if I should chase him.  So I did.  Another boy wanted to be chased too. (boy #2) So I started chasing both boys and then they started running in opposite directions.  Boy #1 was running toward the group and boy #2 away so I was torn but felt like I should chase boy #2 and bring him back to the group to play.  He started booking it in the opposite direction.  I started running and realized at one point that I wasn't going to catch him.  I stopped and he stopped and looked back at me.  I took a step and he took a step.  I knew at that moment that I was going to need to chase this kid even though I wasn't going to catch him.  I feel like I hear Jesus in my head (who knows if that's just me, but I feel like it is Him) a lot of the time and at the moment I felt like He said, chase that kid Angie.  I thought about it for a second because I was in jeans rolled up to capris, a black shirt, and flip flops on a hot hot hot, dirt road and the last thing I wanted to do was run.  In that moment I felt so privileged and spoiled and American that it makes me sick thinking about it.  I ran after that kid knowing that I wouldn't catch him.  I ran and he ran and he kept looking back to see if I was still there.  I ran after him about 3/4 of a football field length I think, until he re-entered the fields.  I stopped and watched him and yelled in Spanish, even though he couldn't understand, and waved my arms, and pleaded with him, close to tears, to please come back and play with me and share in the love and the laughter and the peanut butter and jelly and juice. I watched and yelled and waved until I couldn't see him any more.  He kept looking back at me every few min.  Who knows.  He could have been thinking the whole time, what the crap is that white girl doing chasing me?  But I do hope beyond all hope that he felt worth it.  That he felt worth being chased down the road.  I feel like we all run hoping that someone will just chase us even though we know we won't be caught for one reason or another...fear, hurt, sadness, insecurity, etc.  If we could just be chased and know that someone wants to play with us, love us, feed us, hold us, so much that they will run until they can't see us any more or we give up and fall into their arms.  I thought about it all day, and it made me cry at some points because above all, those people, and all the people for that matter...you, me, everyone, just wants to be chased and loved and held.  I hope he felt worth it, because he is.  That is all...

Viva Mexico

So I'm leaving in about 2 hours to go to Mexico with the Oroville gang to build some showers I think.  Whatever it is we will be doing, we are going down to love people who we don't know but who are probably a lot like us, and to do life in a different place for a little while. I think it will be a great change of scenery for a lot of us! We'll be there until Sunday and then I will come back to SD for 3 days...do some laundry and leave again to Mexico with Youthworks...So this is round 1 for me.  I can't wait to go down and meet some new friends and learn some new things and above all maybe see a new piece of who God is.  It's something about stepping out of your comfort zone that shows you God's true colors! I'm also planning to start Jesus for President on the trip so that is exciting as well.  

So if you pray, pray for us that we may love mercy, act justly, and walk humbly...and not that we stay safe, (because I'm almost positive God's plan is not safety for this sort of thing) but protected, and above all for God's will and our open minds to see it.

Peace and Love in all you do!

Above all, love each other deeply...

I went to the Regeneration Summer Ministry Team sending service last night and it was an amazing time of worship. I use the word "worship" hesitantly because I hate to confine worship to a room or song set or set of people. Nevertheless I feel like I can use the word worship here because it truly was. It was a room full of people who love the band and chose to come out on a random night of the week to support and pray and love the members of this team. We collectively gathered and praised God with our voices and presence. It was an end to a great day for me. I was full of emotion all day because I started the day as usual with a shower and coffee of course and checking my email and myspace. I had heard of the group To Write Love On Her Arms before but had never checked them out. I went to their site and read their story and what they were all about and found tears in my eyes. These people are what it's all about. They love others regardless of themselves or the people around them. Check them out, (twloha.com) buy a shirt, help them out, but above all I think we can all learn something from them about how we live and love. The sending service was an appropriate place for me to physically cry and sing out to God about the love he has given me and about the love that we must give away. Something I found myself praying for the team was not that God would be with them, because I know he already is...not that they would be safe, because I don't really think we are meant to lead safe lives...not that they would be blessed, because I know they will be...but that God would bind them together with peace and love and that it would be so strong that they would spread peace and love. That they would not stay safe but be protected. That they would love each other and love others even more, and maybe...just maybe, discover a little more what the Kingdom of God looks like and who God is. This is my prayer for all of us. That we bonded together in peace and love and be able to love God and each other and others even more. Little things with big love...

Be Not Afraid

After this afternoon I can put one of the biggest fears that college graduates face behind me because...I was offered a job!!!! While I was home this week for Kimberly's graduation I had a job interview for a group home position with an agency called Youth for Change. I went to the interview Wednesday morning and felt completely comfortable with the staff I met and with the home. It's going to be a tough job as it will be working with level 12 behavioral girls. They called me today and offered me the job and I immediately accepted. I am so excited to be apart of these girls' lives even though I'm going to have to be tougher than I have ever been.
Something that they kept telling me was that I could not be afraid of these girls, because they will see right through me and know if I am afraid, and if I'm afraid not only will they eat me alive, but they won't trust me, because if I'm afraid, I'm not safe. For some reason I have been thinking about the fact that I'm not afraid of anything really, besides being alone in the dark that is. Otherwise, I am confident that any situation could happen and I could handle it. I looked into the house supervisor's eyes that day and honestly told her that I was not afraid. I can't really describe the feeling I had at that moment...it was something like confidence or security or something...it was not in myself, but in love, in God. I know that I can do this, that I can be a safe person these kids can count on, and from what I understand they cannot say that about a lot of people.
I was reading yesterday in Irresistible Revolution that we cannot be afraid. (what a coincidence hu?) Shane was talking about his trip to Iraq where he hung out with the people there who loved him like their own, even though his country was threatening their lives everyday with a war that they don't understand. I guess when he got back a lady walked up to him and told him that Jesus would be upset with him for putting his life on the line like that. How ridiculous does that sound, but how much do we really think that? We try to stay safe and tip toe our way through life and to the grave. Why? So we can die safely? (Claiborne, 225)
I remember a few years ago someone told me that I did not want to work in a group home because it was really hard and really rough and really messy. I say, who cares? Jesus led a hard, rough, messy, life! So bring it on! A 9-5 desk job sounds boring to me. What if we viewed life as an adventure and not as a deadline? What if we weren't afraid? What if we just loved people regardless of ourselves? Things would change.

Ducks etc.

Is it weird to post 2 new blogs in the same day? Well, even if it is, like I said before I have A LOT of time on my hands!
So I mentioned before that some of my favorite people were my friends from school, but I must not forget the beautiful Oroville people who are also my dearest friends and family and my favorite people. Last weekend the youth group and youth workers were here for Elevate, a Nazarene Southwest Region event on Point Loma's campus and I had an absolute blast with all of them! My soon to be roommate Lexi was here and my childhood/best friends Caleb and Jason and Jason and Garrett were here and my extended families, Shawn and Amy and their kids, and Kurt and Rhonda were here, and then tons of amazing high school students! It was amazing! They left and since then I have been very sad and cannot wait until I get to move back and get my hands dirty loving Oroville. I honestly feel sometimes like I am just waisting time here, even though I know it was a good decision to stay in San Diego where I already have a job and a place to live and to go to Mexico with youthworks, but my body is aching for home.
I'm going to be in Oroville next week for about 30 hours to see my beautiful sister, Kimberly, graduate from Jr. High. While I am there I am also interviewing for a job with Youth for Change in their girls group home. I just talked to Megan Reyes who works there already and she told me more about what I will be doing if I get the job, and I am stoked! I really can't wait!
I really have never been good at many things that earn awards or titles or trophies but I know that I am good at living life with people and listening and being in relationship and I cannot wait to be living life in Oroville again because that is where things are happening and people are starting to get it and even more people need to know that they are loved and cherished.
Now about the ducks. I cannot wait to be living with Lexi because I think I will finally feel like I am home. If any of you know my story you know that home has been a semi sore subject in the past few years and while I love my family soooo much, it's been hard for me to find a place to call home in my home town. So, when I get back to Oroville I will be moving in with my dear friend Lexi and it's going to be amazing! I can't wait to have a place to call my own and to share life with people there. I'm also so excited to get to know my youngest sister better and have her over to our house. We have also discussed getting ducks! Sounds crazy, I know, but it's going to be a blast.
So, yea, just needed to show a little love for Oroville and all of the people in it. I love you all so much and am going crazy because I just want to be back and doing life again together!
Peace and Love...

Weekend Thoughts

Ok, so I'm trying out this whole blogging thing...who knows how long it will last, but for the time being I have way too much time on my hands so we'll just see what comes out of it...



So I spent the weekend in the LA area with my dearest friend Shannon in Thousand Oaks, CA. We always have an amazing time even if we don't do anything because that is just how our friendship is and the friendship I have with all of my girls from school. I don't ever realize how much I miss them until I see them or talk to them, even if its just for coffee really quick with Lauren, a phone call from Kelsea, an IM conversation with Megan, lunch with Lexi, or hanging out with Angela, or a random trip to TO with Shannon...I still can't believe that we all don't live together any more...having to plan hang out time is weird...I used to be able to just come home and my favorite people were there. I really hope that we all get to do life together again some day...what am I saying, they are all going to move to Oroville with me! haha yea right, I wish :)



Ok, so anyway, I was in LA and I we decided to meet up with a friend in Hollywood for dinner etc. I had never been to Hollywood which is probably odd since I have lived in CA all of my life and that is what everyone thinks of when they think of CA, but never the less I have just never found myself there. So we walked down Hollywood and Sunset Blvd. and looked at the stars on the sidewalk and the Kodak Theater and the hand prints etc. Unfortunately my nice visit to Hollywood with friends was interrupted by my thoughts and a book I am reading called the Irresistible Revolution. It's by Shane Claiborne and it's jacking me up, in a good way. I'm sure you will see many more blogs to come on that book, but for now all I can really form about it are little thoughts that are sticking with me and many emotions and lots of confusion. It's amazing. So one of the things I was thinking about while walking down Hollywood Blvd. was why the movie stars are seemingly not happy. That is a huge generalization obviously...I'm sure a lot of the movie stars would say that they are happy and live very full lives, but I feel like a lot of them are not. I started thinking about Shane and all of his ideas and ways of living and how he was called to sell everything and live with the poor and be a radical and an extremist and how I'm not called to be an extremist but I am called to live like a real Christian...something that even I can't define these days. To stay afloat in reading this book and living life I have been attempting to discover what I am called to do, and what being a Christian really means. What I think that means for me is putting others before myself in EVERYTHING and stepping out of my comfort so that others may be comfortable and giving up my dinner so that others may have dinner and my bed so that others may have a bed...both literally and figuratively. So back to Hollywood...what if the stars aren't happy because they haven't found their place in the world. I'm sure that acting is a gift from God, but what if the stars are missing out on living out their passions and giving their lives away...Shane says something in his book that really hits me hard. He says that if you have an extra bed, it belongs to someone else, and the same goes for clothes and food and shoes. I know that stars give to charity but a lot of them, like a lot of us, have so many extra things that they don't need and others could use. Also, the fact that I just referred to the stars as them and us is probably a problem. I don't view them as people and I probably should. And they aren't the only ones with extra money and food and clothes, I am too. So what do we do?

I was talking to a friend the other night and we talked about how we grew up learning Consumeristic Christianity and are still living it. Things need to change, I'm just not sure how that looks yet or really where to start or what to do. But I have to do something. We all do probably...

love harder

So I think I figured out how I want to live my life this weekend as I spent time doing what I love to do...life with people I love more than anything. It was Saturday morning and I was dead tired because I had stayed up late with the kids from my youth group at home at an event on campus this weekend, and gotten up early and my body was feeling tired. It was nothing I hadn't felt before but in this setting something dawned on me. The best way I can begin to put it into words is through a quote from one of my favorite movies, The Guardian. It is about a kid trying to make it through "A" school to become part of the United States Coast Guard. He is doing it because he wants to save lives. Ashton Kutcher's character Jake Fischer (the student) asks "...when you can't save um' all, how do you choose who lives?" Kevin Costner's character Ben Randall (the teacher) answers "It's probably different for everybody Jake. It's kinda simple for me, well, I take the first one I come to or the weakest one in the group, and then I swim as fast and as hard as I can for as long as I can, and the sea takes the rest." I started to think about this concept and thought of this quote on Saturday. It was rolling through my mind all day but I wasn't able to put it all into words for myself until Sunday morning during our church service with the students. The speaker was talking about being heroes for people and taking action, not just sitting around. This is something so elementary and we have all heard it a million times, but that morning I was thinking that my life needs to be full of action, every min. I can't stop because then someone might be lost. So I came up with this statement that morning.

"I will work every day as hard as I can, as long as I can, and love as many as I can, as much as I can, until I lay my head on my pillow every night. It's not about me. It's about them. This does not mean that I don't matter, it just means that my life is bigger than me."

This is it. This will be my life. It doesn't matter how tired I am every day or how much sleep I don't get or how much free time I don't have. It's about going as hard as I can as long as I can and loving as many as I can...and that's it. Another quote from this movie is "...they will all be asking you to be their miracle. At 24 years old you have to find a way to be that miracle."
At 21 years old, I will find a way to be their miracle.

Peace and Love.
1 Peter 4:8 "Above all love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."